I use to be really depressed. I would right suicidal poems, cut myself, purposely walk into things, try to hold my breath until i go unconscious, i once made a hanging death trap, scratched myself, and bite myself. i hated myself. I thought about committing suicide almost every day, had many suicidal thoughts, my world was falling apart. I really wanted to die. I was super depressed. I thought it was just me, i never even heard that other people cut and felt the way i do. I felt so alone in this world, that no-one understands me. I felt like i wasn't suppose to be born, that i was a mistake, depression changed me, it consumed my life......why was i depressed you ask? Of course this is nothing but a lame excuse but...
.1.) i'm adopted...so i believed my parents from birth hated me so much they wanted to get rid of me.
2.) I have no father(in my adopted family.....) i hated having no one to call "dad",
3.) my mom is a teacher. so i feel really guilty when i want stuff that i know we can't afford.
4.) My best friend died. everyone was dying before my eyes
5.)All my other friends were just like me, either were "problem childs", or depressed like me. i was constanlly surrounded by death, and depression
6.) i was bullied in school.
7.) i hate my looks. i felt talentless...I felt like an emotional wreck(which i was), a social outcast(which i am) not beautiful and not athletic (i now know i am beautiful and athletic), immorral ( i'm not christian.... i have my reasons ) i felt stupid, that i couldn't do anything right.
8.) it felt like the world's responsibility was on my shoulders.
I always felt like this... (maybe i do have mental problems 0_o) when i was in
kindergarten i use to obsessively think about knives and putting one at
my heart. by first grade i use to think about writing letters in my
blood and being dead. at second i would scratch myself for hours try to
change my body. 3rd grade i thought about jumping off the cliff behind
my house. and at the summer i would try to stay underwater and
around 4th grade i was using
more sharper object to scratch myself around
fifth grade i learned how to make choking stuff of my swing set. just
have to put me head through it and it would end everything
around 6th grade i learn to channel my energy to running. every now and then i would pace and run to calm me downby 7th grade i would wear choker dog chains around my neck
kindergarten/pre kindergarten(i can't remember which one): some 5th
grader bullied me every school day. the teachers NEVER did anything. i
use to cry almost every day. she would call me a cry baby and stupid
grade: when i was going to the bathroom to change for gym someone stole
my pants. so i had to walk with my underwear on to the office.that was
embarrassing! to make matter worst, there was a teacher and forces me
to walk to the office. why could he do it so i didn't have to go in my
2nd grade: i changed schools.i made a friend. nothing bad happened in 2nd grade.
grade: i don't think anything happened in third grade. made some more
friends. it was when i noticed i was different from everyone else.
grade: my friend(the one i got in 2nd grade) we had a HUGE fight(not a
physical fight,just a mean word fight). i bullied her through the
middle of 4th grade :( :(
she will never know how sorry i am. i regret that with all my life. i
made a mistake and i am truly sorry. at the end of the year we made us,
and we are still best friends again! :D
grade: i made some more friends. 8 more actually(lets call them
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,and H). then this person were also friends with my
friends. she would always exclude me from games and always played with
i went to Disney land for a week. when i came back my 2
friends(e,and f) got in a HUGE fight(both way bullying and physical). i
had to choose one side. i chose one(e). the one i didn't chose(f) would
bully us so much. we got in fist fights ALL the time.
F also became
friends with this JERK who hated my friend E. then this girl(big girl)
were fighting all of us(me, e, and f.) she broke G's arm! kicked my
friend E in the place. and was kicking me in the shins. it united us
all back together as friends again.
then my friend F just bullied
me! i'm not sure why. he would bully me non-stop. if i was winning a
game he would say "first is the worst, second is the best" if i was
losing a game he would say "ha ha! you are a loser!" no matter what i
did it never pleased him. he was one of my best friends too. he would
torment me so much. he said he never wanted to talk to me again.
grade: what goes around comes around. i was bullied mercilessly. people
would mock me for everything i would do. i got so mad i threatened to
kill myself. all i did was put a lollipop in my mouth the wrong way so
i got bullied for months saying i was gay and bi.
i also use to
bully just a bit this girl. she said a smart remark to me and i took it
the wrong way. i got so and at her for saying that. but once again i
truly regret being mean to her. she is now my friend.
7th grade: nothing to major happened. just been slightly bullied. but i ignore it. nothing to make me upset.
(I ALSO HAD GREAT MEMORIES AND GOOD TIMES IN MY LIFE! i jsut naming the bad ones. but don't feel sorry for me that i had a "crumy" life. 'cause i didn't...just only in school. .)
I eventually won with depression. I felt so good to be alive(i will go in detail with that later). My depression would be in waves...some days i would feel super depressed other days i would feel so good, then i would feel depressed again, then good,etc.......
(Shout out to Miley Cyrus. She helped me through her personality and her songs made me feel less depressed. If i never heard of Miley Cyrus i would of been dead by now from suicide. like some days i would just listen to her songs over and over and over all day to feel better.) My friends also helped me feel better some nights we would text to 4 am just getting through the night. We took it one day at a time, becasue we couldn't fee like we would make the next day.
Eventually my friends got over their depression....i still was depressed( i couldn't see anything beautiful about myself.there were other reasons...but i shouldn't say them on here) i just asked myself "Would i be happy if i died?" and i knew i wouldn't be.....so just instantly i felt good.....(most people that wouldn't work...but for me that did. I just wanted to feel happy again,i thought death would make me feel happy...i wouldn't make me feel anything) Now i can feel alive again.
I NEVER for one second was trying to be "emo", or do it becasue i thought it was "cool" or "in"...i did it becasue i couldn't feel happy, i really didn't want to live. Depression is NOT cool, being "emo" is not something you should act(or feel).
This is my story, i am a surviver, not a victum.
TO people who are depressed: You are NOT alone. You are just a human(or kid???) We all make mistakes. It's not your fault bad things happen. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are beautiful,pure,devine, and amazing. Live for those you lost, live because there is happyness. There is hope in this world. I know what you are gong through, i know how hard it is. Take it one day at a time. Cutting gets you nowhere. Positive things happen to positive people. Forgive yourself. People care and love you.
This is my story.