My Story
I use to be really depressed. I would right suicidal poems, cut myself, purposely walk into things, try to hold my breath until i go unconscious, i once made a hanging death trap, scratched myself, and bite myself. i hated myself. I thought about committing suicide almost every day, had many suicidal thoughts, my world was falling apart. I really wanted to die. I was super depressed. I thought it was just me, i never even heard that other people cut and felt the way i do. I felt so alone in this world, that no-one understands me. I felt like i wasn't suppose to be born, that i was a mistake, depression changed me, it consumed my life......why was i depressed you ask? Of course this is nothing but a lame excuse but...
.1.) i'm adopted...so i believed my parents from birth hated me so much they wanted to get rid of me.
2.) I have no father(in my adopted family.....) i hated having no one to call "dad",
3.) my mom is a teacher. so i feel really guilty when i want stuff that i know we can't afford.
4.) My best friend died. everyone was dying before my eyes
5.)All my other friends were just like me, either were "problem childs", or depressed like me. i was constanlly surrounded by death, and depression
6.) i was bullied in school.
7.) i hate my looks. i felt talentless...I felt like an emotional wreck(which i was), a social outcast(which i am) not beautiful and not athletic (i now know i am beautiful and athletic), immorral ( i'm not christian.... i have my reasons ) i felt stupid, that i couldn't do anything right.
8.) it felt like the world's responsibility was on my shoulders.
I always felt like this... (maybe i do have mental problems 0_o) when i was in kindergarten i use to obsessively think about knives and putting one at
my heart. by first grade i use to think about writing letters in my
blood and being dead. at second i would scratch myself for hours try to
change my body. 3rd grade i thought about jumping off the cliff behind
my house. and at the summer i would try to stay underwater and
drown...
around 4th grade i was using more sharper object to scratch myself around
fifth grade i learned how to make choking stuff of my swing set. just
have to put me head through it and it would end everything
around 6th grade i learn to channel my energy to running. every now and then i would pace and run to calm me downby 7th grade i would wear choker dog chains around my neck
kindergarten/pre kindergarten(i can't remember which one): some 5th grader bullied me every school day. the teachers NEVER did anything. i
use to cry almost every day. she would call me a cry baby and stupid
1st grade: when i was going to the bathroom to change for gym someone stole
my pants. so i had to walk with my underwear on to the office.that was
embarrassing! to make matter worst, there was a teacher and forces me
to walk to the office. why could he do it so i didn't have to go in my
underwaer?!!?!?!
2nd grade: i changed schools.i made a friend. nothing bad happened in 2nd grade.
3rd grade: i don't think anything happened in third grade. made some more
friends. it was when i noticed i was different from everyone else.
4th grade: my friend(the one i got in 2nd grade) we had a HUGE fight(not a
physical fight,just a mean word fight). i bullied her through the
middle of 4th grade :( :(
she will never know how sorry i am. i regret that with all my life. i
made a mistake and i am truly sorry. at the end of the year we made us,
and we are still best friends again! :D
5th grade: i made some more friends. 8 more actually(lets call them
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,and H). then this person were also friends with my
friends. she would always exclude me from games and always played with
them.
i went to Disney land for a week. when i came back my 2 friends(e,and f) got in a HUGE fight(both way bullying and physical). i
had to choose one side. i chose one(e). the one i didn't chose(f) would
bully us so much. we got in fist fights ALL the time.
F also became friends with this JERK who hated my friend E. then this girl(big girl)
were fighting all of us(me, e, and f.) she broke G's arm! kicked my
friend E in the place. and was kicking me in the shins. it united us
all back together as friends again.
then my friend F just bullied me! i'm not sure why. he would bully me non-stop. if i was winning a
game he would say "first is the worst, second is the best" if i was
losing a game he would say "ha ha! you are a loser!" no matter what i
did it never pleased him. he was one of my best friends too. he would
torment me so much. he said he never wanted to talk to me again.
6th grade: what goes around comes around. i was bullied mercilessly. people
would mock me for everything i would do. i got so mad i threatened to
kill myself. all i did was put a lollipop in my mouth the wrong way so
i got bullied for months saying i was gay and bi.
i also use to bully just a bit this girl. she said a smart remark to me and i took it
the wrong way. i got so and at her for saying that. but once again i
truly regret being mean to her. she is now my friend.
7th grade: nothing to major happened. just been slightly bullied. but i ignore it. nothing to make me upset.
(I ALSO HAD GREAT MEMORIES AND GOOD TIMES IN MY LIFE! i jsut naming the bad ones. but don't feel sorry for me that i had a "crumy" life. 'cause i didn't...just only in school. .)
I eventually won with depression. I felt so good to be alive(i will go in detail with that later). My depression would be in waves...some days i would feel super depressed other days i would feel so good, then i would feel depressed again, then good,etc.......
(Shout out to Miley Cyrus. She helped me through her personality and her songs made me feel less depressed. If i never heard of Miley Cyrus i would of been dead by now from suicide. like some days i would just listen to her songs over and over and over all day to feel better.) My friends also helped me feel better some nights we would text to 4 am just getting through the night. We took it one day at a time, becasue we couldn't fee like we would make the next day.
Eventually my friends got over their depression....i still was depressed( i couldn't see anything beautiful about myself.there were other reasons...but i shouldn't say them on here) i just asked myself "Would i be happy if i died?" and i knew i wouldn't be.....so just instantly i felt good.....(most people that wouldn't work...but for me that did. I just wanted to feel happy again,i thought death would make me feel happy...i wouldn't make me feel anything) Now i can feel alive again.
I NEVER for one second was trying to be "emo", or do it becasue i thought it was "cool" or "in"...i did it becasue i couldn't feel happy, i really didn't want to live. Depression is NOT cool, being "emo" is not something you should act(or feel).
This is my story, i am a surviver, not a victum.
TO people who are depressed: You are NOT alone. You are just a human(or kid???) We all make mistakes. It's not your fault bad things happen. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are beautiful,pure,devine, and amazing. Live for those you lost, live because there is happyness. There is hope in this world. I know what you are gong through, i know how hard it is. Take it one day at a time. Cutting gets you nowhere. Positive things happen to positive people. Forgive yourself. People care and love you.
This is my story.
.1.) i'm adopted...so i believed my parents from birth hated me so much they wanted to get rid of me.
2.) I have no father(in my adopted family.....) i hated having no one to call "dad",
3.) my mom is a teacher. so i feel really guilty when i want stuff that i know we can't afford.
4.) My best friend died. everyone was dying before my eyes
5.)All my other friends were just like me, either were "problem childs", or depressed like me. i was constanlly surrounded by death, and depression
6.) i was bullied in school.
7.) i hate my looks. i felt talentless...I felt like an emotional wreck(which i was), a social outcast(which i am) not beautiful and not athletic (i now know i am beautiful and athletic), immorral ( i'm not christian.... i have my reasons ) i felt stupid, that i couldn't do anything right.
8.) it felt like the world's responsibility was on my shoulders.
I always felt like this... (maybe i do have mental problems 0_o) when i was in kindergarten i use to obsessively think about knives and putting one at
my heart. by first grade i use to think about writing letters in my
blood and being dead. at second i would scratch myself for hours try to
change my body. 3rd grade i thought about jumping off the cliff behind
my house. and at the summer i would try to stay underwater and
drown...
around 4th grade i was using more sharper object to scratch myself around
fifth grade i learned how to make choking stuff of my swing set. just
have to put me head through it and it would end everything
around 6th grade i learn to channel my energy to running. every now and then i would pace and run to calm me downby 7th grade i would wear choker dog chains around my neck
kindergarten/pre kindergarten(i can't remember which one): some 5th grader bullied me every school day. the teachers NEVER did anything. i
use to cry almost every day. she would call me a cry baby and stupid
1st grade: when i was going to the bathroom to change for gym someone stole
my pants. so i had to walk with my underwear on to the office.that was
embarrassing! to make matter worst, there was a teacher and forces me
to walk to the office. why could he do it so i didn't have to go in my
underwaer?!!?!?!
2nd grade: i changed schools.i made a friend. nothing bad happened in 2nd grade.
3rd grade: i don't think anything happened in third grade. made some more
friends. it was when i noticed i was different from everyone else.
4th grade: my friend(the one i got in 2nd grade) we had a HUGE fight(not a
physical fight,just a mean word fight). i bullied her through the
middle of 4th grade :( :(
she will never know how sorry i am. i regret that with all my life. i
made a mistake and i am truly sorry. at the end of the year we made us,
and we are still best friends again! :D
5th grade: i made some more friends. 8 more actually(lets call them
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,and H). then this person were also friends with my
friends. she would always exclude me from games and always played with
them.
i went to Disney land for a week. when i came back my 2 friends(e,and f) got in a HUGE fight(both way bullying and physical). i
had to choose one side. i chose one(e). the one i didn't chose(f) would
bully us so much. we got in fist fights ALL the time.
F also became friends with this JERK who hated my friend E. then this girl(big girl)
were fighting all of us(me, e, and f.) she broke G's arm! kicked my
friend E in the place. and was kicking me in the shins. it united us
all back together as friends again.
then my friend F just bullied me! i'm not sure why. he would bully me non-stop. if i was winning a
game he would say "first is the worst, second is the best" if i was
losing a game he would say "ha ha! you are a loser!" no matter what i
did it never pleased him. he was one of my best friends too. he would
torment me so much. he said he never wanted to talk to me again.
6th grade: what goes around comes around. i was bullied mercilessly. people
would mock me for everything i would do. i got so mad i threatened to
kill myself. all i did was put a lollipop in my mouth the wrong way so
i got bullied for months saying i was gay and bi.
i also use to bully just a bit this girl. she said a smart remark to me and i took it
the wrong way. i got so and at her for saying that. but once again i
truly regret being mean to her. she is now my friend.
7th grade: nothing to major happened. just been slightly bullied. but i ignore it. nothing to make me upset.
(I ALSO HAD GREAT MEMORIES AND GOOD TIMES IN MY LIFE! i jsut naming the bad ones. but don't feel sorry for me that i had a "crumy" life. 'cause i didn't...just only in school. .)
I eventually won with depression. I felt so good to be alive(i will go in detail with that later). My depression would be in waves...some days i would feel super depressed other days i would feel so good, then i would feel depressed again, then good,etc.......
(Shout out to Miley Cyrus. She helped me through her personality and her songs made me feel less depressed. If i never heard of Miley Cyrus i would of been dead by now from suicide. like some days i would just listen to her songs over and over and over all day to feel better.) My friends also helped me feel better some nights we would text to 4 am just getting through the night. We took it one day at a time, becasue we couldn't fee like we would make the next day.
Eventually my friends got over their depression....i still was depressed( i couldn't see anything beautiful about myself.there were other reasons...but i shouldn't say them on here) i just asked myself "Would i be happy if i died?" and i knew i wouldn't be.....so just instantly i felt good.....(most people that wouldn't work...but for me that did. I just wanted to feel happy again,i thought death would make me feel happy...i wouldn't make me feel anything) Now i can feel alive again.
I NEVER for one second was trying to be "emo", or do it becasue i thought it was "cool" or "in"...i did it becasue i couldn't feel happy, i really didn't want to live. Depression is NOT cool, being "emo" is not something you should act(or feel).
This is my story, i am a surviver, not a victum.
TO people who are depressed: You are NOT alone. You are just a human(or kid???) We all make mistakes. It's not your fault bad things happen. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are beautiful,pure,devine, and amazing. Live for those you lost, live because there is happyness. There is hope in this world. I know what you are gong through, i know how hard it is. Take it one day at a time. Cutting gets you nowhere. Positive things happen to positive people. Forgive yourself. People care and love you.
This is my story.
Comment
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Comment by Ashley on October 7, 2010 at 3:18pm -
i hope Miley knows how much her music and her views and inspirartion helps people! You are a prime example! I am sooo glad that you got past this and won the fight with depression! I know that forgiving is hard (when your forgiving yourself or others) but it is one of the best thing for you EVER! Forgivness is for yourself more than anything and it is one of the hardest but most effective things to do! I hope you know now that your are BEAUTIFUL and strong and smart and independant and you should never let someone tell you your not! you have about a billion supports here on Get Ur Good On and we're all here to help you!!
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Comment by Emma L on October 6, 2010 at 6:20pm -
Thanks. yeah, forgiving myself felt impossible. It is one of the hardest things ever.
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Comment by Jessica Johansson on October 6, 2010 at 5:33pm -
you seem really strong. i wish i knew how to forgive myself!
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Comment by Emma L on October 6, 2010 at 2:57pm
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if anyone cares, these were the poems i wrote...the scuicidal poems i wrote:
OUTSIDE LOOKING IN (part 1)
I feel trapped in the darkest night
While everyone else is in the loving warmth of day light
I run and run, but i go nowhere
I feel so alone in this pain, it's not fair
I'm stuck in this tunnel called lonelyness, i have no friends;
It hurts so bad, i jsut want it all to end
The feeling happyness, is someting i don't feel
Pain is the wound that won't ever heal
I see happyness outside looking in
Life is a cruel game i can't win
They Don't Care
I'm in pain(so much pain), and they, don't care,
I'm alone(so alone) and they don't care,
My life is in the dark, (always in the dark)
My life is stark(so stark),
And they don't care, (they never care)
My emotions run through my veins,
Cut my arm,let the blood flow, (lesses the pain)
Look at my blood,see my tears, as they rain, (drowning me)
As i cry in pain,they don't care, (it's alwasy the same)
Turn up my hate, (by hate burning me inside out))
look at my blood,see my tears, (see them fall to the ground)
See my fate, (my sursed fate)
As i, die tonight, (through death i will be free)
See my tears,when i cry, (my last cry of pain)
See my blood,when i die, (as the blood will rain)
See my fears,my stress, my stress and fear beyond the sky
And they don't care, (they never care)
Help me through my darkness, (no one ever does)
Save me to the light, (be my resinating light)
Be my friend, (i have none)
Save me from my frights, (save me)
A cage in me
I am trapped in this cage,
A cage of darkness and despair,
It's locked with my hatred and rage,
A cage made from my guilt and fear,
This deadly cage of mine,
To death it trapped me,
I am bonded to the cage with the blood contract I have signed,
Only in death I will be free,
The cage burns me in agony,
The cage rips my soul apart,
This cage is trying to break me,
This cage is the void of my heart
STARING IN THE EYES OF HATE
In this mirror there is a alittle girl i see
who is she?
she walks up to me in this place called ' the dead'
this is the conversation she had said:
Why won't you understand me?
you think i'm a disgrace to society!
you look at me with that inhumane stare
if i died right now, you wouldn't even care!
you wouldn't care what happened to me this night!
you wish i would get out of your sight!
you treat me as i am a disease
no matter how hard i try, i can never please
i will put this hypothesis to the test
if you win, there will be one person less
i stabbed myself in the neck
you stare at me as i am bleedign to death
i see that painful,cruel inhumane stare
the pain is too much to bare
i write this poem on my wrist with a knife
this poem is costing me nothing but my filthy life
i felt so much pain ,you bullied me lose all my friends
now i'll never feel pain ever again
it hurts so much, i regret the choose i made, i wish i stayed
you killed me, you driven me to end my last day
you look at me with you cold eyes
you just realised i have died
You just walked away
now i'll forever be in this ground and decay
bullying hurt me so bad
i couldn't take it any more, it made me feel depressed and sad!
i realized she isn't talking to me, but all of these people that is staring at us
the stare is disapproval, exculding, no trust
this little girl i relized she is me
death is now my fated destiny
FORGIVE ME
i stay awake with regret, i am sorry to death
i can't forgive myself,until you forgive me
i didn't mean what i said, please believe that
i'm so sorry, please accept this apology
i say things i don't mean
give me a second chance
i was being stupid, i didn't think
i didn't mean to hurt you
this apology is genuine, 100% real and true
it's all my fault
SUICIDAL
if i die tonight?
will you miss me?
why do i have to threaten myself, to feel love
would it be easier, if i just ended it and went to the heavens above?
i am attention seeking, am i really that low and bad?
i hate myself for feeling this way, make me less sad
i need love, i'm still a fragile kid, lonely in this life
people treat me like a grownup, it's to stressful, i need a knife
no, i don't want to sink this low, i am better than this
but i can't take it anymore, i take my last kiss
the pain, the lies, it hurts so bad it makes me want to die
my mind tells me to live, I'm so scared and confused i just want to cry
i get through it day by day, night by night
i find myself wishing i can join the heavenly light
i feel so unwanted, so lonely
i have nothing else to live for, i wish someone would just kill me
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Comment by Emma L on October 6, 2010 at 2:51pm
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i know the feeling, when everything seems..hopeless.
It's tough...it's really tough, it's tough all over.
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Comment by Jessica Johansson on October 6, 2010 at 2:25pm
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Thank you for an inspirational blogpost.. I feel with you, I'm also depressed since almost two years back, and right now it feels hopeless.. but thank you, it made my day a little brighter!
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Comment by Dan Berridge on October 6, 2010 at 6:22am -
Anytime :)
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Comment by Emma L on October 5, 2010 at 6:48pm
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Thanks!:D
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Comment by Dan Berridge on October 5, 2010 at 6:29pm
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Inspirational stuff :) keep going. I know how it feels to feel like that. You've done incredibly well to turn it around :)
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