Dear Ana (ana=Anorexia)

Dear Ana,
You make me want to cry when I look into the mirror. You make me feel ugly and fat. You blinded me. I cannot see myself, only my flaws. Most important, you make me feel weak. You make me feel worthless, like I'm not good at anything. I hate you, and the way I do all these things for you. The way how you control me, when I am struggling and failing to control you. I am cursed by you. I hate myself for being a victim of you, more than I hate you. You changed me. I cannot get rid of you. You will haunt me for forever. You took over my life. You always won. You made me lose myself. You made me become a number. A statistic. I am one of eight million in the US.

You promised me you will make me beautiful. You told me nothing but lies. All I want is to be beautiful. I knew the deadly cost, I knew I needed food. But, I also needed to feel beautiful. And for some reason, I thought you could give it to me. You told me that skinniness is the equivalent to beauty, and I believed you. I always believed you. I would be fine if I did not eat, I would be skinny and beautiful. I didn't care if I would starve, or if I was unhealthy. I didn't want to be healthy. I wanted to by skinny. I would do whatever it took to be beautiful, even if it meant believing in you. You changed me for forever. You told me if I didn't eat, I would be beautiful. But the first time I truly felt not beautiful, was when I started not to eat. I was afraid to eat too much, or to even eat at all. I feel guilty when I eat, thinking I’m too fat. The constant fear of gaining any weight, or becoming fat, deprived myself from the food I need. You have a way of making everything feel like my fault. Everything is always my fault. You permanently messed up my thoughts. I don't even remember when and why this all happened. You tell me this happened because I am flawed, and you came to help me. I confuse all your lies with the truth. I’m completely lost and alone in your world.

You stole my life. I can't express to anyone how I feel because of you. Because of you, I became totally isolated in my secrets and shame of you. I lost my relationships with my friends and family from you. I want to tell them, but I can't find the right words. I don't want to get others to get involved into my messy life. They may judge me calling me, "selfish.” That word is unbearable for me. I know that desire is selfish that made me hate myself more. The more I hated myself, the more I wanted it. I want it because I thought it would fill the void, the void of loneliness. I am lonely because of you. This is how you never lose No matter what I do, or how I feel, you find your way to make me feel worst than already was.

I use to idolize you. I use to do all these rituals for you. Do everything for you, just to make me beautiful. I wanted you, I needed you, I relied on you, I was addicted to you. After I met you, I couldn't stop obsessing over you. I wanted to stop, but it was out of my hands, into yours. But deep down, I always knew you were my enemy. You were hurting me. That I had to break free from you, somehow. You were killing me. After awhile, I didn't even care. I didn't feel hungry anymore. I just didn't feel. As long as you told me I was almost there, almost beautiful, everything was okay. Except it wasn't, I was dying inside. You hurt me in irreversible ways. You taught me how to lie to my family, and friends, and my self. You taught me your strict rituals to achieve this "beauty.”
One. Eat hardly anything. Hunger hurts, starving works. If you give into the evils of hunger, you are weak. You don't deserve food.
Two. Exercise until you are about to feint. If you do not exercise, you are lazy. The more you burn, the better.
Three. Lie to your family, and friends. make sure no one finds out. Tell them "I don't feel well. I already ate" If you do this you will be safe from people trying to make you fat, make you eat.
Four. Take cold baths to fasten your metabolism. Hit yourself in the stomach if you feel hungry. And eat in-front of a mirror to not over eat. If you do, purge.
Five. Do whatever it takes to get skinnier. Skinny=beauty. Without beauty, you are nothing.

You, my teacher, my master, my goddess, my killer, taught me about your world. Most people don’t hear of this secret world. The pro-ana world. I don't blame the celebrities personally, after all, they are your victims from you too. I blame the media for promoting you, creating your existence. You taught me what sites to go to, how to get skinnier faster, how to write a"Thinspiration food diary" with no one finding out. Society and media, like many others, glorify you, oh my goddess of beauty and death. You showed me the road of self destruction.

THESE ARE ALL LIES YOU TOLD ME. Here’s some truth:
because of you, hair will fall out in clumps
Because of you, every bone would stick out in an unattractive way. No one would think it will be beautiful, people will think you will die soon, you are sick.
Because of you, teeth will rot from vomit
Because of you, will have liver, brain, and/or heart problems. Your other organs could also be affected permanently.
Because of you, will never feel happy no matter how skinny I become.
Because of you, will get into vicious cycles are binging, purging, and feeling a constant sadness

I will never forget you, and the things you did to me. I will not let my past memories affect me anymore, nor will I let you kill me. I'm not going to pretend you do not completely affect me anymore. I still hear your voices whispering, haunting, in my head the words: "you are not good enough." "You are weak.” “You are ugly and fat” I still feel your presence. You still exist. Some days I still doubt myself because of you, I still hurt from the scars you gave me. I can't deny them, avoid them, hide them, or forget about them. But I learned and grew from them. Your era over me is over. As long as I have tomorrow, to try to do better: I have hope. It isn't about trying to hurt you the way you hurt me, killing you from my mind, after all that will never work. It’s about a simple whisper of me saying, “I will try again tomorrow" keeping the hope alive.

Now I am stronger, and I have courage. I won't listen to your lies. I moved on, without you. I have brought myself up from ashes, from the inner fire of hatred you brought me down with. You won't take me down with you anymore. I am not a victim, but I am a survivor. I won this time. You can't hurt me anymore.

I am not reprogrammed and fixed from you. After all I saw and from you, I can't pretend it's not reality, and ignore your existence. Even if you don't exist in me, you exist in the eight million+ others. If I completely forgot you, then I would just be betraying myself.

Ana, you are amazing at lying, deceiving, and hurting others. I wish I can say this one thing to all your other victims: Connect with someone. One of your greatest lies is shame. You enforce us to make sure our extreme diets a secret. People will be ashamed of us. This is how you get your prey. You first lure them in your glamorous world. Then you whisper to your victims, making them more weak to you, lower their self esteem. Trap them in your world, so they can't scream for help. And slowly but surely kill them. The longer they stay in your world alone, the weaker they get.

I will make my pain from you something meaningful: I will free myself and others from your curse. I will connect, to tear down all walls of secrets and isolation, and to talk reality. Not your Pro-Ana reality, but the very painful, scary, blunt, awakening, reality. To connect with a person to what they hold very tightly to them: pain. I am not talking about the dramatized, self-pity pain, but a common-ground we all understand. If I can save one life from you, reach out to one person, then it's all worth it.

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Some facts:

That if Barbie© was a real woman she'd have to walk on all fours to support herself.
If store mannequins were real they'd be too thin to have babies.
98% of women are larger then the average model.

According to Galia Slayan from Hamilton College.
• There are two Barbie dolls sold every second in the world.
• The target market for Barbie doll sales is young girls ages 3-12 years of age.
• A girl usually has her first Barbie by age 3, and collects a total of seven dolls during her childhood.
• Over a billion dollars worth of Barbie dolls and accessories were sold in 1993, making this doll big business and one of the top 10 toys sold.
• If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust (jk!) , an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe.
• Barbie calls this a "full figure" and likes her weight at 110 lbs.
• At 5'9" tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.
• If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
• Slumber Party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled "How to Lose Weight" with directions inside stating simply "Don't eat."
Barbie's legs are 50 per cent longer than her arms, whereas the average woman's legs are only 20 per cent longer than her arms.
This means that if Barbie were real, the length of her legs in proportion to her torso would make her unable to walk